I still remember that awful feeling. My heart was pounding, palms sweaty, a slight shudder running through me. As reassuring as the lady on the phone was, she could tell that I was in a state of panic on the other end of the phone.
I applied to MA Magazine Journalism at City recently. I’d been researching, networking, attending events, and more generally just thinking about it for some time. But upon finding out how popular the course was, I was deeply disheartened. Would I make it in? Was I good enough a writer? How would I compare against people with Journalism degrees under their wing, or years of experience?
I was truly overwhelmed by the chance that I would have to take a year off, and started to almost gear my mind towards that outcome, when my little brother (he’s in his mid-teens) said something that wasn’t so little of him.
“Cheyenne, there may be twenty-odd spaces, but there’s one God.”
That statement caught me off guard. To be honest, it was the slap in the face that I needed – it brought me back to who I am, who God is, and the why of my life.
Not many people know, but to even get onto my undergraduate degree was a novella in itself. I honestly didn’t deserve to be there. I wasn’t smart enough, rich enough or even sociable enough. But I prayed, and prayed and prayed. God delivered.
I’m not selling to you a prosperity gospel, where God is a wishlist and you just get what you want. But one thing I am doing is reminding myself of why God did what He did. He answered because it was within His will. I quickly learned the will of God for my life, which was to write for Him. It was to learn skills and to meet the people that would help me develop into the person I needed to be. I wasn’t trying to “make it” as most say. I wasn’t trying to be the “self-made woman” because such a person does not exist. I was trying to do what God wanted, and He’s really brought me through some of the most exciting moments in my life through that.
So when I was stressing about the next step, my brother’s comment reminded me that regardless of how oversubscribed the course is, or whether I ended up in London or not, God will help me if I am pursuing His will for my life. A lot of weight came off of my shoulders, as I remembered how things in the past that made no sense always came into focus as time passed.
I was also reminded that my true end-goal is beyond landing a writing job and beyond this life.
We see part of the picture, but God, the author and finisher of our faith, sees everything. He knows where I’ll be in my final days, let alone next year. So, I’ve decided to pray and see if it is His will.